the world's clocks at the close of the year.For My Liberal Democrat Friends:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures who contribute.
For My Republican Friends:
Here's wishing all of you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
Everyone knows that the television cathode ray picture tube emits free electrons and also a few X-rays, and possibly even a gamma ray here and there. We also know that the higher-energy X- and gamma rays pass right through the glass envelope of the CRT into the viewer's room, and even into the viewer's body (read: brain). Of course the closer the viewer is to the set the more of the rays he/she will encounter. Obviously, over a long period of time the viewer will encounter more and more of the rays/particles/packets.
Now consider the particles that rain on us from the sun, supernovae, and even from the so-called Big Bang. One such particle (if you can call a nearly massless object a particle) is the neutrino. Every second of every day millions of neutrinos pass through the atmosphere, through our bodies, into the earth, and escape, undisturbed, back into space from somewhere near the Wall of China. About the only thing known to science that will get a neutrino's attention is a gamma ray, and sometimes neutrinos do collide with gamma rays, which is how they were detected in the first place, using a converted bong found in a Greenwich Village dumpster.
Now, what happens when the idle brain of a typical TV viewer watching Beavis and Butthead catches a stray gamma ray from his beloved 25-incher at the exact same time a neutrino from outer space decides to visit? I'll tell you what happens. As anybody knows, when a neutrino and a gamma ray collide, the result is a BLACK HOLE!
That's right, dear viewer, a Black Hole of sci-fi fame, from which not even light -- or even THOUGHT -- can escape. Right there in your brain.
And if that's not enough to worry about you could also consider the neutralino, but let's not get overly concerned about a particle that hasn't even been discovered yet.
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
23. Do I look like a people person?
24. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
25. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
26. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
27. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
28. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
29. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
30. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
31. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
32. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
33. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
34. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
35. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
36. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
37. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
38. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
39. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.
The Lord is faithful, just and true,
His Goodness to impart,
And if I had to make a wish
I'd not know where to start.
My cup so full, my life complete
I thought the Lord was through.
But just when I was out of dreams
He smiled and sent me You.
Some of the best and most original "Musings" it's my pleasure to offer up for your review! Enjoy!
1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency be vague.
5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
6. A penny saved is a government oversight.
7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
10. He who hesitates is probably right.
11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
14. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells THEIRS"?
15. Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are "XL"
At 150,000 miles my 1993 Cadillac was suffering from poor gas mileage. I was getting under 9 miles per gallon in town and about 14 on the road, as opposed to the new car sticker specs of 15 and 25. At $2.39 per gallon for high-octane I was suffering more than my car was.Twenty-eight years ago Herman James, a West Virginia mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in boot camp, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon, an Army barber sheared his head.
On his second day, the Army issued him a tooth brush.
That afternoon, an Army dentist yanked several of his teeth.
On his third day, he was issued a jock strap.
The Army is still looking for him.
BONUS: Here's one I lifted from The Prairie Home Companion
A guy walks into a bar and is considering what he'd like to drink. He spots a strange-looking bottle full of a blue liquid. He calls the bartender over and asks, "What's that?"
The bartender says, "Oh, that's new. That's liquid Viagra."
"Okay," the guy says. "Pour me a stiff one."
from Brad Strickland, Oakwood, Georgia
A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway. The officer came to the driver's window and said, "Sir, may I see your drivers license and registration?"
The man said, "Well, officer I don't have a license. It was taken away for a DUI."
The officer, in surprise, said, " What? Do you have a registration for the vehicle?"
The man replied, "No sir, the car is not mine. I stole it, but I am pretty sure I saw a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it."
The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?"
The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used it to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk."
The officer stepped toward the back of the car and said, "Sir do not move, I am calling for backup."
The officer called for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrived. He walked up to the window slowly and asked the man for his driver’s license and registration. The man said, "Yes officer here it is right here."
It checked out so the officer said, "Is there a gun in the glove box sir?"
The man laughed and said, "No, officer, why would there be a gun in the glove box?" He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun.
The second officer then asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. The man agreed and opened the trunk. No dead body.
The second officer said, "Sir I do not understand. The officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk."
The mans looked the officer in the eyes and said, "Yeah and I'll bet he said I was speeding too."
WOMEN SEEKING MEN
"'Peek' my interest", their ads say
Expecting me to come their way.
While others write in hopes to seek
A man their curiosity to "peek".
While meaning not to be oblique
My fervour they could never pique
And my love I would never sell
To some dumb broad who cannot spell.
-- By Dalton Hammond
The best long distance runners
eat raw meat
run naked
and lay in the snow
(From an Alaska Airlines t-shirt)
Today was a nice day. Why not take the whole family grocery shopping?
Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. However, five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house
Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means 'something' and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'nothing' usually end in 'fine'.
Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!
(Loud Sigh)
Although not actually a word, the Loud Sigh is often misunderstood by men. A Loud Sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over 'Nothing'.
That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. 'That's Okay' means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
Thanks
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you, do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.
One of the great mysteries of life is why people think they're ever, EVER, making anyone happy by forwarding garbage emails... and virtually ALL sorts of emails that get mass-forwarded ARE garbage.
People get terribly offended when I say that; their usual retort is, "But, it's a way to show people I care, and that I want to keep in touch." First off, you do NOT show "caring" by sending out what is essentially spam to people, and secondly, it is NOT "keeping in touch" to pass someone else's email along. If you truly want to keep in touch with people, invest 30 more seconds and type "Hi, how have you been?" and send THAT instead (using BCC so they don't realize you've sent it to everyone), and if you actually CARE, write a real email, detailing what's going on in your life, and asking about theirs... and then send it to the 500 people you're convinced you care about.
For every category of garbage email, there's an excuse for sending it.
Strip a mess of collard leaves from their stems and rinse as you put them in the pot with the fatback grease, er, flavoring. One stalk will fill a large pot. Add one teaspoon of salt, a quarter teaspoon of pepper, a dash of cayenne pepper (preferred) or dried crushed red pepper flakes (don't overdo it) and about a quarter cup of water, or better, chicken broth. (I use Better-Than-Bouillon Chicken Base which keeps for a long time in the fridge.)
After I informed him that I was a Carolina guy of sorts and once worked at the U.N.C. campus station, we avoided the topic of the recent NCAA basketball championship, and he proceeded to find and remove three new basal cell carcinomas; one from my back and two from my left ear. That makes three that have been found on that ear so far and a total of nearly two dozen pre-cancerous tumors which have come off my skin and bowels in the last ten years. All have been benign, so far, like my humor.Bruce Weber has a new point of view.
While orange was his favorite hue,
Roy Williams and Heels
Let him see how it feels
For his walls to turn suddenly blue.
(c) 2005, Dalton Hammond
Science - International
According to Dr. Lirpa Sloof who headed a team which studied the data from the Very Large Telescope Array (VLA) in New Mexico, the transmission code was based on the Periodic Table of Elements, a chemical array which is unchanged throughout the universe and which scientists have long considered to be useful for possible communications between the Earth and other-world civilizations.
The computer swallowed grandma
Yes honestly it's true
She pressed "Control" and "Enter"
And disappeared from view.It devoured her completely
The thought just makes me squirm
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind
I've even used the Internet
But nothing did I find.
In desperation I asked Jeeves
My search to refine
The reply from him was negative
Not a thing was found on-line.
So if inside your inbox
My grandma you should see
Please "Copy", "Scan" and "Paste" her
And send her back to me.
1. The Senate and Congress of the United States will close down their expensive offices and chambers in the U.S. Capitol and immediately begin holding all their business in the Pennsylvania Avenue Hooters.
2. Cash payments for Arab oil shall be replaced by equivalent value in Washington State beef products.
3. The head of the World Bank shall be replaced by Martha Stewart.
4. To protect the world's whales, all U.S. Navy sonar testing shall be replaced by Beach Music.
5. Thomas Mesereau Jr. shall be named Secretary of Defense.
6. Full congressional pardon shall be given to Pete Rose.
7. Minimum wage shall be offered only to employees who can prove having performed at least minimum work.
8. The national Income Tax shall be repealed, and all Radio, Television and Motion Picture products shall be taxed at the rate of ten cents per cuss word.
9. All remaining Survivor TV episodes shall be produced on location in the Guantanamo prison.
10. The $20 bill as a unit of currency shall be replaced by the 50 mg Viagra.
Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be in production in Canada this year.
When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one."
Clinton lacked only three things to become one of America's finest leaders: integrity, vision, wisdom.
Clinton was doing the work of three men: Larry, Curly and Moe.
The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know" (and redefine "it" as needed).
Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between the Bushes.
Hell stayed frozen until 1994 and I got tickets this time, but they caught the flu and cancelled the show. When they came back to town the next year the makeup show tickets were Already Gone before I heard about it. I decided that In The Long Run God didn't want me to see The Eagles or something and I elected to just Take It Easy.
One day he was making a delivery in downtown Manhattan and got lost after turning onto one of those narrow one-way streets where he couldn't turn around or even see to back up to a nice wide avenue. About that time one of New York's finest came riding up on a horse, looked into the truck cab and yelled at him with an Irish accent, "Hey, where'd you learn to drive?"
This area is a cosmic star factory and one of the most beautiful wonders within reach of the amateur telescope. The Hubble Space Telescope and other new telescopes now in service can see much farther inside these and other clouds of luminous gases to actually see new stars - protostars - and presumably other planetary systems being born before our superenhanced eyes. -- Dalton Hammond
A foursome of golf hackers always teed off every Saturday at 10 AM and were all usually there well before tee time. One Saturday Mark rushed to the tee just in time, as the other three were teeing off. Mark apologized and explained that he had stopped at the optometrist office on the way to the course to pick up his new bifocals.
Now, I AM getting old but I get around like a teenager, actually better than some teens. When young people come to my house I sometimes ask them if they are able to touch their toes without bending their knees. Many of them who have never stretched except to pick up a TV remote cannot, and I tell them that I couldn't either when I was their age. Then I stand up, place my palms on the floor, and show them a nice Sun Salutation, which is pictured here.
One of the predictions of Albert Einstein's General Theory of Relativity field equations is that a large acceleration of mass produces a ripple in space-time called a gravitational wave. A better understanding of gravitational waves would be of enormous significance in helping us to understand how the universe works. Unfortunately until recently there has been no way to detect or study this phenomenon.
