Thursday, December 05, 2013

Skin Deep

I had a girl friend once who would make me wait an hour while she teased and sprayed her dyed hair, drew eyebrows back where the real ones had been plucked, glued on eyelashes and daubed mascara, painted her artificial fingernails, applied makeup and powder to hide her face, put on a bra to enhance her sagging bosoms, a girdle to make her look thinner, stockings and high heels to make her legs look shapelier and then spent the rest of the night bitching to me about how all guys are just fakes.

-- Dalton Hammond

Tuesday, December 03, 2013

Junk Mail

Who do I complain to about this?

Lately I've been getting quite a bit of junk mail from the United States Postal Service.

-- Dalton Hammond

Thursday, October 03, 2013

Federal Shutdown

I've had enough of this business of blaming the Federal Shutdown on Republicans.

If there were no Democrats would we still have a shutdown? Thankyouverymuch.

-- Dalton Hammond

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

NASA Mars Rover finds no sign of methane

(P.B.N.) -- Finding no methane on Mars, NASA has turned its instruments to Russia where massive amounts of methane have been detected. Scientists suspect it comes from Putin.

Friday, August 30, 2013

Happy Labor Day

Labor Day
is a United States federal holiday observed on the first Monday in September, that celebrates the economic and social contributions of workers.

The workers respond to the honor by not coming to work.

Tuesday, July 09, 2013

Review: The Lone Ranger

I take back what I thought about the Lone Ranger.

After I got over the shock of what they did to my revered image of the traditional story I have been replaying some of the highlights of the new film in my memory and I'm enjoying them more with each replay.

We should all be used to Hollywood special effects by now but the sight of the Daring and Resourceful Masked Rider of the Plain riding his ('stupid'...according to Tonto) white stallion at full gallop atop a racing train still resonates in my mind.

Yes, I was even treated to the William Tell Overture but Tonto's comment when the signature scene came with the Lone Ranger pulling Silver onto his hind legs and calling "Hi-yo, Silver!" will go down along with "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn" and "I'll be b-a-a-c-k" as one of the great moments in film history.

See it anyway.

--Dalton Hammond

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Cream Rises

Cream rises to the top ... but turds float, too.

-- Dalton Hammond

Saturday, April 27, 2013

What is your mental age?

I will be 71 in a few months.

While fixing supper tonight I received a phone call from a friend in Georgia who wanted me to drop everything and turn on the TV to see a full-length movie remake of the TV series "Starsky and Hutch". I had never seen a full episode of the series, only enough to make me turn off the set, but I decided to run down some YouTube clips of the new movie just to humor his wishes. They reaffirmed everything I have ever thought about the mentality of TV viewers. I had always figured the average viewer mentality at about 6th grade but I was starting to think it might be more like 3rd grade.

Intrigued, I Googled around trying to find research on this topic. Instead, I stumbled onto a little 20-or-30-question quiz that purports to determine a person's mental age. I gave it a try and learned that my mental age is 72 years. The darn quiz was smarter than I thought. I am wise beyond my years, it seems.

Mentally, how old are YOU?

-- Dalton Hammond

Friday, April 26, 2013

What We Have Here Is Failure To Communicate

I just called a local company looking for a replacement lamp socket for my garage door opener. The answering service lady explained that the office was closed for lunch and should reopen about 1:30 pm. I asked if I should call back then at the number I just dialed and was told that I should.

My question is: Nobody DIALS any more do they? What should I have said? "Call back at..." doesn't count. I want to know what word now replaces "dial". Should I "press" the number I just pressed? And what if I "voice dialed" it? Woops...there's that word again. (It seems that phrase means almost nothing when you think about it)

Our useful words are quietly vanishing away. Attrition should be made of sterner stuff.

-- Dalton Hammond

Sunday, March 03, 2013

Mercury Over The Fair Barn

Most people have never seen the planet Mercury. Most of the time it is too close to the Sun because, well, it’s the closest planet to the Sun. But now and then the Earth, Mercury and the Sun align just right and you can see Mercury as a bright red dot low on the horizon just after sunset.

Mercury over the Pinehurst, NC Fair Barn

Tonight, 09-Feb-2013 at 6:36 pm I was at the Pinehurst, NC Harness Track short track, and took this image of planet Mercury hovering over the Pinehurst Fair Barn. Mars can be seen faintly just under Mercury.

-- Dalton Hammond

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Obama Wants To Be Next Pope

Obama Wants to Be the Next Pope

WASHINGTON, DC - Sources close to the White House have learned that Barack Obama is planning to run for the office of Pope when the College of Cardinals convenes to elect a successor to ailing Benedict XVI at the end of this month.

Calling on the promise of Equality for All, Obama is said to firmly believe that the time has come for a non-Catholic to occupy the Vatican's highest office. Foreseeing a looming citizenship issue he claims to have discovered an Italian birth certificate that proves he was born in Rome before he was born in Kenya. "That Hawaiian birth certificate never has been worth what I paid for it anyway", he noted. Continuing, he concluded, "And there's no way that a handful of cardinals could be more expensive to buy than 10 million voters in Michigan."

Further questions should be directed to Obama's Papal Campaign Manager, Abdul Azeem Khan.

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