Saturday, June 25, 2005

More Internet Proverbs

More tidbits from Wendy...D.H.

Some of the best and most original "Musings" it's my pleasure to offer up for your review! Enjoy!

1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency be vague.
5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
6. A penny saved is a government oversight.
7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
10. He who hesitates is probably right.
11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
14. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells THEIRS"?
15. Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are "XL"

More Humor

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Fun Things To Do in a Lift (Elevator) Full of People

These have been around but some are actually worth trying. -- Dalton Hammond

Please make your choice :

  1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
  2. Shake the person's hand when he/she enters the lift.
  3. Congratulate all for being in the same lift with you.
  4. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
  5. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
  6. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
  7. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
  8. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
  9. Shave.
  10. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
  11. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
  12. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
  13. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
  14. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
  15. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
  16. One word: Flatulence!
  17. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
  18. Do Tai Chi exercises.
  19. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
  20. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"
  21. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
  22. Meow occasionally.
  23. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
  24. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
  25. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
  26. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
  27. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
  28. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
  29. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
  30. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
  31. Leave a box between the doors.
  32. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
  33. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
  34. Start a sing-along.
  35. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
  36. Play the harmonica.
  37. Shadow box.
  38. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
  39. Lean against the button panel.
  40. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
  41. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
  42. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
  43. Bring a chair along.
  44. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
  45. Blow spit bubbles.
  46. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
  47. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
  48. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
  49. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
  50. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
  51. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
  52. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"