Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Bye, Bye, Bogey

The best friend I ever had, my dog Bogey, died in his sleep last night three days after his 18th birthday. There has never been the slightest doubt in my mind that Bogey was an example of answered prayer, a gift from a Loving God.

As befitting his name, Bogey died on an old Raleigh Country Club beach towel in my sun room overlooking a magnificent golf course. He only tried playing golf once though, as a younger fellow, in an incident I have previously reported to you.

His companionship and unfailing love will be greatly missed. Praise God.

1988 - 2006

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Joke Recognition Software

For the benefit of my friends...I DO have friends [GIGGLE] who are unable to discern whether something is funny or not without a laugh track to help them [THROATS CLEARING, POLITE TITTER], Dalton Hammond is pleased to announce my new concept in blog joke structure. I call it "Fake 'Em If They Can't Tell if it's a Joke" [GUFFAWS].

The absolute latest innovation in Joke Recognition Software [LAUGH] which will be instantly recognizable to TV addicts worldwide, no one will ever have to wonder again if the joke they just read was funny or not [CHUCKLES] since the proper responses are already indicated. [SCATTERED VOCAL SMIRKS]

Think of it. Can you imagine Seinfeld without a laugh track [NERVOUS COUGHS], or watching TV news or even newspaper news without knowing when to laugh? [BODIES IMPATIENTLY SHIFTING WEIGHT IN SEATS].

There's a lot more I could tell you [VERY NERVOUS MURMURS] but my time is up. [TREMENDOUSLY APPRECIATIVE APPLAUSE].

Thank you all very much.
More of My Jokes

(c) 2006, Dalton Hammond [TITTER]

Friday, January 20, 2006

Little Putter Boy

Little Putter Boy
The Little Putter Boy stands guard over the practice green at Pinehurst Country Club, the world's #1 golf resort. Just look at the beautiful Carolina Blue sky. I prefer to call this place Paradisehurst.

At Christmas the Little Putter Boy does double duty, standing watch over the stables by night.

Little Stable Putter Boy

-- Dalton Hammond

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Why, Why, Why

I never meant for this to become a "joke blog" but some of the things that come my way are too good not to share...Dalton Hammond
Why, Why, Why

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And the FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

More Jokes

Monday, January 02, 2006

Chicken or the Egg?

A chicken and an egg were lying in bed. The chicken was leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabbed the sheet, rolled over, and said, "Well, I guess we finally answered that question!"

More Jokes

The Al Gore Internet

(I'm a few years late dreaming up this line, but feel free to share it. -- D.H.)

If Al Gore really wants to impress us, let him FIX the Internet.

-- Dalton Hammond