Thursday, March 24, 2005

The Great Federal Reorganization Plan

After much deliberation I hereby offer my original 10-point program for restructuring the federal government. -- D.H.

Great Seal of The United States

1. The Senate and Congress of the United States will close down their expensive offices and chambers in the U.S. Capitol and immediately begin holding all their business in the Pennsylvania Avenue Hooters.

2. Cash payments for Arab oil shall be replaced by equivalent value in Washington State beef products.

3. The head of the World Bank shall be replaced by Martha Stewart.

4. To protect the world's whales, all U.S. Navy sonar testing shall be replaced by Beach Music.

5. Thomas Mesereau Jr. shall be named Secretary of Defense.

6. Full congressional pardon shall be given to Pete Rose.

7. Minimum wage shall be offered only to employees who can prove having performed at least minimum work.

8. The national Income Tax shall be repealed, and all Radio, Television and Motion Picture products shall be taxed at the rate of ten cents per cuss word.

9. All remaining Survivor TV episodes shall be produced on location in the Guantanamo prison.

10. The $20 bill as a unit of currency shall be replaced by the 50 mg Viagra.

Your Humble Savant,
Dalton Hammond (c) 2005
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