Saturday, September 10, 2005

Television Unified Field Theory

I have a theory which explains some things about television viewers. It is based on proven Quantum Theory, er, Mechanics, and is suitable for publishing in Nature Magazine, if anyone should care to try. Credit Dalton Hammond, please.

Everyone knows that the television cathode ray picture tube emits free electrons and also a few X-rays, and possibly even a gamma ray here and there. We also know that the higher-energy X- and gamma rays pass right through the glass envelope of the CRT into the viewer's room, and even into the viewer's body (read: brain). Of course the closer the viewer is to the set the more of the rays he/she will encounter. Obviously, over a long period of time the viewer will encounter more and more of the rays/particles/packets.

Now consider the particles that rain on us from the sun, supernovae, and even from the so-called Big Bang. One such particle (if you can call a nearly massless object a particle) is the neutrino. Every second of every day millions of neutrinos pass through the atmosphere, through our bodies, into the earth, and escape, undisturbed, back into space from somewhere near the Wall of China. About the only thing known to science that will get a neutrino's attention is a gamma ray, and sometimes neutrinos do collide with gamma rays, which is how they were detected in the first place, using a converted bong found in a Greenwich Village dumpster.

Now, what happens when the idle brain of a typical TV viewer watching Beavis and Butthead catches a stray gamma ray from his beloved 25-incher at the exact same time a neutrino from outer space decides to visit? I'll tell you what happens. As anybody knows, when a neutrino and a gamma ray collide, the result is a BLACK HOLE!

That's right, dear viewer, a Black Hole of sci-fi fame, from which not even light -- or even THOUGHT -- can escape. Right there in your brain.

And if that's not enough to worry about you could also consider the neutralino, but let's not get overly concerned about a particle that hasn't even been discovered yet.

You're welcome.
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