Things To Do At Wal-Mart

I found this on the internet. -- Dalton Hammond

Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse or significant other is taking their sweet time:

* Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
* Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.
* Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."
* Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
* Put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
* Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
* Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
* When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
* Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
* Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with Pokemon vs. the X-Men.
* Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
* While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
* Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.
* Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
* Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
* In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
* Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! pick me!!"
* When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume "It's those voices again!"
* If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
* Go into the dressing room and yell real loud, "Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!"

For Men Only, Volume 1

This jewel was hidden in a Windows Help file.

"I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them" Jay McInerney

-- Dalton Hammond

Thanksgiving Dinner

Now I sit me down to eat
Collards cooked with seasoned meat,
Mashed potatoes, thick and wavy
Topped with thick brown onion gravy.

Nothing gets me hungry quicker
Than butter beans in rich pot likker,
Some turkey and a piece of ham
With one large hunk of sweetened yam.

My scrumptious plate has just one fault:
I forgot to leave some room for salt.
On days like this I'm truly thankful
For every single country mouthful.

©2007, Dalton Hammond

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYBODY!

Daylight Losing Time

Just think...at this same time last week it was an hour from now.

-- Dalton Hammond

Comet 17P/Holmes

Image taken with an 8" Celestron reflector using a Philps Toucam web camera. 1170 images stacked using Registax.



© 2007, Dalton Hammond



-- Dalton Hammond

A Slip Of The SCHIP

Does anyone believe the U.S. government is doing a good job taking care of our senior citizens?

Does anyone believe the U. S. government is doing a good job managing the war in Iraq?

Does anyone believe the U.S. government is doing a good job managing anything at all?

Then why the heck would anyone want the government to manage our children's health?

-- Dalton Hammond

War Deaths - Another Perspective

My hat is off and my heart goes goes out to our sons and daughters who have served and are serving our country in times of war. War is Hell, but look at how times have changed:

During the four-year American involvement on all fronts in World War II, the United States suffered 291,557 fatalities.

From February 2003 through last Sunday October 14, the United States suffered 3,828 total fatalities in the Iraq war.

Compare that to the 4,236 traffic fatalities just in the state of California in 2006 alone.

-- Dalton Hammond

Pride and Prejudice

Have you ever noticed how non-Southerners tend to accuse Southerners of being prejudiced?

Think about that.


-- Dalton Hammond

Competing with the Boob Tube

Labor Day

A day we honor working folks,
The teacher, trucker, clerk;
Just witness how they show their pride:
They don't come in for work.

©2007, Dalton Hammond

Fun and Brain Freezes for Labor Day

Here's how you can make Labor Day more interesting:

Call all the darling little snotty-nosed nieces and nephews out into the back yard for homemade ice cream, then when the parents aren't looking have a contest to see who can finish theirs the soonest.

You're welcome.

-- Dalton Hammond

Laughter Yoga is a Laugh!

I received this today from a high school classmate and wish I'd come up with the idea.

...Now (she) has got me interested in Laugh Yoga! Another of her activities, that spring chicken is always trying out new things. This Laugh Yoga starts out faking laughter and then all of a sudden it becomes real. I have both my local Community Center and our local Newspaper looking into this here in NYC.

You see, laughter expels the bad air from your lungs and replaces it with fresh air! In years past, I am told, people used to laugh at least 20 minutes a day; now, sadly, they are only laughing 5 minutes a day on average. I am practicing laughing; it is not hard. I also try to be funny all the time in order to make people laugh!!

Here's a link to a video about Laughter Yoga. -- Dalton Hammond

Ogling the Weather Channel

The best Weather Channel recruiters
Don't care about skills with computers.
Their requirements are just
To locate nice busts
So they do all their hiring at Hooter's.

©2007, Dalton Hammond

Hummingbird Lady

This puts all of my hummingbird pictures to shame! This hummingbird lady lives in Pine, Louisiana. She had studied them daily and one morning put the cup from a feeder with water in it in her hand. They had gotten used to her standing by the feeder and came on over. She says in touching they are as light as a feather. Said if she had known her husband would take pictures she would have put on makeup !!

She lives in a Hummingbird fly zone. As they migrated, about 20 of them were in her yard. Just for a lark, she took the little red dish and filled it with sugar water and this is the result.










AMAZING! -- Dalton Hammond

Today's Magic Word: ROMNEY

Hi folks. Today's Magic Word is ROMNEY.

-- Dalton Hammond

Christmas With The EMBERS 2007

Christmas With The Embers is a dazzling Vegas-style musical stage show featuring North Carolina's Musical Ambassadors, The Embers of Raleigh.

The Embers Christmas Show is guaranteed to give you many warm holiday memories you and your family will cherish. Plan to include it in your entertainment plans this year.



Look for Christmas With The Embers in November and December of 2007 in many cities along the east coast, the Carolinas and Virginia.

In the Pinehurst/Southern Pines area of North Carolina you can see Christmas With The Embers on Saturday, December 22, at the Robert E. Lee Auditorium at Pinecrest High School on US 15-501 in Southern Pines, NC.

DON'T MISS IT!

-- Dalton Hammond

Moon: Archimedes and Apennines

The seeing was still mushy around my house but here's a what-the-heck view of our friendly Moon taken a few minutes ago. That's Archimedes, the big crater at the left. Montes Apenninus mountain range arcs upward from bottom left.

This was a stack of the best 353 of 1830 images taken with the $79 Philips Toucam Pro webcam working at prime focus F/10 with the Celestron 8" Schmitt-Cassegrain reflector telescope from the Dalton Hammond observation deck.



-- Dalton Hammond

STS-117 and ISS

Space Shuttle Atlantis flies in formation with the International Space Station following the successful STS-117 ISS servicing mission.

This 8-second photo was taken at 10:56 PM on June 20, 2007 looking over the Pinehurst, NC Harness Track stables.

©2007, Dalton Hammond

The Roadrunner

During my visit to the Saguaro National Park several years ago I saw almost every desert creature I've ever heard of. As I was driving along the parkway a roadrunner started running alongside the car, matching my speed exactly and looking up at me now and then, even smiling at me, it seemed. This bird was no more than six feet away and as we went down the road together I was struck by how big it was and how exactly like the cartoon creature it was, cheerfully chugging along at 15 mph.

I decided to try to get a picture but as I reached for my camera the bird looked me directly in the eye one more time, flashed me a mischievous smile then shifted into gear and passed me on foot, easily running ahead of the 15 mph car then cutting across my path and into the sage on the night-hand shoulder. In my mind's ear I heard him go "Beep, beep!" as he ran past the moving car. He never took wing.

At last I finally understood how the coyote felt.

-- Dalton Hammond

Hoopla

THE CHARGE OF THE BUCKET BRIGADE

Half a court, half a court,
Backwards and forwards,
Strode the warriors
Of the hoop hardboards.

To win for their campus,
O how will it end?
A fight to the finish,
With an army of ten.

A war not of honor,
Or scholastic pursuit,
But how well they dribble,
And how well they shoot.

They shoot not from cannon,
No muskets at all,
Their weapons are harmless,
Just soft rubber balls.

Supporters to the left of them,
Opponents to their right,
Many paid a monthly wage,
To see this mighty fight.

Was there a fan dismay'd?
Not that the ratings knew.
Their's is not to reason why
Their's is but to cheer and cry.

When final trumpet makes its sound,
And peace refills the Dome,
The world will not a bit be changed,
When everyone goes home.


©2007, Dalton, Lord Hammond

Bringing Up Father

With thanks to Viagra
I am strong as Niagra.
But now so imbued
I don't get in the mood.


©2007, Dalton Hammond

Theatre Review: "Harvey"

Tonight I went to The Fair Barn to see a community theatre production of "Harvey", which is supposed to be about an invisible rabbit. Being an avid fan of community theatre -- the roar of the greasepaint and all that -- and never having seen an invisible rabbit before, I thought I'd check it out.

The Fair Barn is a turn-of-the-century horse barn which was rebuilt after an unfortunate tornado some years ago and converted to a city-operated exhibition hall, and since I have a large investment in an upcoming concert or two in the area I was curious how this small-town venue would be laid out for theatre. Was I surprised! Yes, I was.

The theatre area was boxed off by eight-foot exhibition curtains and you had to enter through a small opening in the curtains like those special shows at the county fair where the stage show out front was free but you had to pay a quarter to go back and see the good parts, except tonight they had folding seats lined up on risers that completely surrounded the stage, which was on the floor. Theatre-in-the-round as it were. I guessed it would seat about 250 patrons.

I had deliberately chosen Wednesday's performance which I figured would be a slow night and since I was ten minutes early I was the only person in the audience, so it was easy to find my seat up on the eighth row, seat 36. Thirty-eight patrons later the lights dimmed and the show started. Or at least I believe it did because a couple of actresses walked onto the stage from behind a secret curtain and started talking to themselves but since they were facing the four people in the audience on the other side of the stage I couldn't hear what they were saying. Every now and then they would move around and face somewhere else that wasn't in my direction either but at least the folks in those sections got to hear a little bit. I was starting to wish I'd brought my hearing aid.

Finally the lead actor came on stage and since he projected well I could actually hear most of what he was saying -- to the invisible rabbit that even the play-actresses couldn't see. Try as I might I couldn't hear what the invisible rabbit was saying and finally figured he wasn't facing in anybody's direction. The $15 I paid for tonight's ticket was beginning to make the $25 I had been praying to get for The Embers Christmas Show look way too cheap. Sensing that the end of Scene One was drawing near I began to plan my exit.

Just before the lights dimmed signalling the end of Scene One I completed a recount of the house: 39 persons plus the doorman and ticket lady and with that reappraisal of the Pinehurst entertainment market I bolted for the exit curtain, wondering if I had the nerve to quaff a hemlock cocktail after I got home.


-- Dalton Hammond

March Madness

March Madness is upon us
I do not overrate
The mindless magic in the words
That simply shout, "Go State"!

The zombies on the sofa
Ignore their favorite meals.
With glassy eyes they sit and stare
And gamely chant "Go Heels".

Bin Ladin is still hiding
But no one seems to care,
No terrorists dare stalk their world
While they are in their chair.

When Pearly Gates do call me home
Saint Pete will ask of me
"From whence call ye your home, my son?"
I'll say, "The A.C.C."


©2007, Dalton Hammond

Ask Your Scientist

It has already been proved that there is no intelligent life as we know it within our solar system and almost no chance at all that there are planets conducive to supporting intelligent life within thousands of light years from us. So our intelligent scientists continue to spend billions more of our dollars hoping to find life even farther away.

The question you should ask the next intelligent scientist you meet is:

If we DO somehow learn that there is intelligent life in outer space thousands of years from the sound of our voice...SO WHAT?

-- Dalton Hammond

Cell Phones and Ringtones

I use my cell phone very seldom. It has been my observation that if people know you have a cell phone, they keep calling you on it. -- Dalton Hammond

Why Golf Is Better Than Sex

Submitted by my friend Newsman Joe -- D.H.

#10 - A below par performance is considered good.

#9 - You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.

#8 - It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

#7 - Foursomes are encouraged.

#6 - You can still make money doing it as a senior.

#5 - Three times a day is possible.

#4 - Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.

#3 - If you live in Florida, you can do it almost everyday.

#2 - You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex.....

#1 - If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it!

The Kiss

He had just saved her from a fire in her house, rescuing her by carrying her out of the house into her front yard, while he continued to fight the fire.

She is pregnant.

When he finally finished putting the fire out, he sat down to catch his breath and rest.

A photographer from the Charlotte, North Carolina newspaper, "The Observer," noticed her in the distance looking at the fireman.

He saw her walking straight toward the fireman and wondered what she was going to do.

As he raised his camera, she came up to the tired man who had saved her life and the lives of her babies and kissed him just as the photographer snapped this photograph.

Click here for picture

Global Warming

A recent Associated Press article about a Paris meeting of international global warming experts and their dire predictions about the fate of our world started me thinking.

I certainly agree we should do what we can to reduce or prevent damage to Mother Earth, but according to Wikipedia our planet has gone through a lot of this before modern man appeared on the scene, and the Earth's orbital mechanics is already conclusively proved to have far more impact on our climate than we ourselves do.

Read for yourself the Wikipedia search on "ice age".

Skeptic yet I am, I find it easy to believe that modern man had little to do with the disappearance of the glaciers that walked the Earth 10,000 years ago.

Have you ever noticed how journalists seem to quote "experts" who agree with their assigned story line?

A more worrisome problem might be "Who will be our next President(ess)?" The infidel had to try only twice before they successfully took down the World Trade Center, and they've already missed The White House once. Do the journalists at the Associated Press EVER worry about THAT?

No, I'm serious -- DO THEY?

Anyhow, Spring can't come too soon for Ole Dalton Hammond.

Saturn the Ringed Planet

This Saturn image was taken from my deck through wispy clouds tonight. I used a Philips TouCam web camera working through a 2X Barlow lens at prime focus with my 8" Celestron Schmidt-Cassegrain reflector telescope at F/20. The best 409 images from the .avi movie file were processed and stacked with Registax. -- Dalton Hammond

George Carlin's New Rules For 2007

These were selected from the "George Carlin's Rules For 2007" that have been forwarded back and forth on the internet so much that they're bound to be in the public domain by now. -- D.H.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates...com! There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don’t particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days -— mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out a window unless you’re a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy’s chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: “Lucky bastards.”

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we’re done.

New Rule: I’m not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing “Enter,” verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don’t want cash back, and pressing “Enter” again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn’t make you spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to “beef with broccoli.” The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren’t pregnant. You’re not spiritual. You’re just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn’t a sport. It’s one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What’s next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They’re already doing that. It’s called “The Howard Stern Show.”

New Rule: I don’t need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I’m extra hungry for M&Ms, I’ll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you’re going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what’s playing on the other screens. Let’s remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn’t good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear “27 months.” “He’s two” will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God’s sake don’t pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying,“Do you want fries with that?”

An Old Farmer's Advice

Here are some internet proverbs that were too good not to share. -- D.H.

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. Keep skunks and lawyers at a distance.

* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

* You cannot unsay a cruel word.

* Every path has a few puddles.

* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

* The best sermons are lived, not preached.

* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

* Don't judge folks by their relatives.

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.

* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every mornin’.

* Always drink upstream from the herd.

* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

A Beautiful Day In Pinehurst

PGA Golf Professional Tom Watson: "The citizens of Pinehurst don't look at golf as a matter of life or death. It's a lot more serious than that."


Well, for a town so full of older folks they sure have a sense of humor.

During one of my first rounds of golf here as a new citizen, my foursome was walking up to the tee box when we heard the familiar sound of a nearby ambulance siren, which we hear often in our neighborhood.

An elderly gentleman asked me, "Do you know what we call that sound around here?"

"No, what?" I asked.

"Another tee time opening up."


Now, THAT'S COLD! -- Dalton Hammond

More Jokes

Coalition Golf Classic