Cellphones and Cellulose

I went to the Wal-Mart today and decided I should have been a surgeon. What do you call a doctor who attempts to remove cellphones from women's ears anyway? Don't these people know that cellphones cause cellulose, turbidity, pimples, flatulence, wrinkles, stretch marks, bad grades, pregnancy, premature graying, annoys everyone around them, and makes them look really stupid?

And how come I'm always the only one who really knows what's going on?

-- Dalton Hammond

Note: Since writing this post I've decided to try to be less critical of public display of stupid cellphones. Apparently, like going out in public with boogers hanging from both nostrils or wearing white shorts with fresh brown stain in the seat, some people -- male and female -- have different concepts of cosmetic ornamentation. --D.H.