Global Warming

A recent Associated Press article about a Paris meeting of international global warming experts and their dire predictions about the fate of our world started me thinking.

I certainly agree we should do what we can to reduce or prevent damage to Mother Earth, but according to Wikipedia our planet has gone through a lot of this before modern man appeared on the scene, and the Earth's orbital mechanics is already conclusively proved to have far more impact on our climate than we ourselves do.

Read for yourself the Wikipedia search on "ice age".

Skeptic yet I am, I find it easy to believe that modern man had little to do with the disappearance of the glaciers that walked the Earth 10,000 years ago.

Have you ever noticed how journalists seem to quote "experts" who agree with their assigned story line?

A more worrisome problem might be "Who will be our next President(ess)?" The infidel had to try only twice before they successfully took down the World Trade Center, and they've already missed The White House once. Do the journalists at the Associated Press EVER worry about THAT?

No, I'm serious -- DO THEY?

Anyhow, Spring can't come too soon for Ole Dalton Hammond.

Saturn the Ringed Planet

This Saturn image was taken from my deck through wispy clouds tonight. I used a Philips TouCam web camera working through a 2X Barlow lens at prime focus with my 8" Celestron Schmidt-Cassegrain reflector telescope at F/20. The best 409 images from the .avi movie file were processed and stacked with Registax. -- Dalton Hammond

George Carlin's New Rules For 2007

These were selected from the "George Carlin's Rules For 2007" that have been forwarded back and forth on the internet so much that they're bound to be in the public domain by now. -- D.H.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates...com! There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don’t particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days -— mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out a window unless you’re a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy’s chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: “Lucky bastards.”

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we’re done.

New Rule: I’m not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing “Enter,” verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don’t want cash back, and pressing “Enter” again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn’t make you spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to “beef with broccoli.” The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren’t pregnant. You’re not spiritual. You’re just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn’t a sport. It’s one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What’s next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They’re already doing that. It’s called “The Howard Stern Show.”

New Rule: I don’t need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I’m extra hungry for M&Ms, I’ll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you’re going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what’s playing on the other screens. Let’s remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn’t good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear “27 months.” “He’s two” will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God’s sake don’t pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying,“Do you want fries with that?”

An Old Farmer's Advice

Here are some internet proverbs that were too good not to share. -- D.H.

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. Keep skunks and lawyers at a distance.

* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

* You cannot unsay a cruel word.

* Every path has a few puddles.

* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

* The best sermons are lived, not preached.

* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

* Don't judge folks by their relatives.

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.

* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every mornin’.

* Always drink upstream from the herd.

* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

A Beautiful Day In Pinehurst

PGA Golf Professional Tom Watson: "The citizens of Pinehurst don't look at golf as a matter of life or death. It's a lot more serious than that."


Well, for a town so full of older folks they sure have a sense of humor.

During one of my first rounds of golf here as a new citizen, my foursome was walking up to the tee box when we heard the familiar sound of a nearby ambulance siren, which we hear often in our neighborhood.

An elderly gentleman asked me, "Do you know what we call that sound around here?"

"No, what?" I asked.

"Another tee time opening up."


Now, THAT'S COLD! -- Dalton Hammond

More Jokes

Coalition Golf Classic